The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
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“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.