HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
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I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
she has a point