My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
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ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Would you wear it?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.