If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
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Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine