If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!