if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
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waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born