[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My therapist after every session
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Finally!