me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.