Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
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What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost