a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Breaking news:
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.