some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
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I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”