I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Monday?
No. Next question.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Two types of dogs.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.