Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.