If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice