18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
You Might Also Like
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
What kind of a cult is this?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me