*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
It do be feeling this way.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!