Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
operators are standing by to ignore your call
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.