COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
life finds a way
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?