me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Love it! 👍😂
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.