Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
You Might Also Like
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.