I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
You Might Also Like
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.