Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.