ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
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Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My biological clock is wheezing.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Sheep
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Breaking news:
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: