I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
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*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Can Happiness buy money?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Still laughing at this stupid meme