Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
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if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
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