Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
🙂🙃🥹
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Pretty much. 🤣
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.