Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
every college guy’s fridge
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Botany good plants lately?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”