Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
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Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.