When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
courtroom exchange of the day
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”