Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.