The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
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I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Carpe DM
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.