*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
sleeping beauty
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.