If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
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Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.