Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
You know…for fall…
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
dude it’s called proctologist
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳