the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
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Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )