*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
*weighs self after shaving
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds