Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
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How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!