*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
You Might Also Like
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
this is me
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”