When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
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Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*