In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
a badder mouse
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.