people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
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Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?