I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.