me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
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I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”