Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
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How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
the icebreaker
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey