Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
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Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.