This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
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If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
This is not me but this is me
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.