Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
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recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma