My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
j o i m p
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since