I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Stop.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”