Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
You Might Also Like
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.